So I’m learning so much in my life right now. Counseling, group therapy and most importantly my 12-step programs! They all seem to mesh together perfectly and the combination is exactly what I need. I am finally realizing that I really am worth the work and that is HUGE!!
I am working on my anger and my behavior in general. The way I treat all of the people in my life. The way I spend my time emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Finally realized/learned that I have a choice. I can choose to be angry, bitter and mean or I can choose to let go and let God help me make better choices and be happy anyway, even when things are hard, people are hurtful, or I’m just feeling lonely or unhappy.
I can choose to be brave and reach out taking the chance I may be rejected and not take it as a personal rejection but that maybe that person is caught up in their life and is unable at this time in their life to reach back. God is my strength and is the truest friend I will ever need and will provide the answer to anything I’m going through or struggling with.
One of the other major things I’ve learned the last few months is that giving up control is freedom. By giving up having to have control of everything and everyone around me, I have the freedom of not worrying about the outcome. Doesn’t mean I don’t do my part, because that is absolutely my responsibility. However, how people act and respond around me is something that not only can I NOT control, I don’t need to and am learning that by giving it up, I can relax and don’t have to shoulder the responsibility for everyone else and their choices, actions, and consequences.
That doesn’t mean its easy. No way!! I’m a control freak!! Have been all of my life because that is the role I was placed in as a child. The main reason I have hung onto that is because not being in control was incredibly frightening and I fear that the world around me will blow completely out of control if I’m not shouldering the responsibility for everyone and everything. Wow!! What an ego I have!! 🙂 Another part of it that is hard is trying to remember Every Day to give up that control. Give to God and stop taking it back. Most days that means I have to give it up over and over again, often minute by minute.
Life is hard, always has been, always will be. But I’m learning I can get help with that when I don’t have the strength. I really can trust God to be my strength and walk beside me, carry me if necessary and bring me through the chaos of this world. With these new tools I’m learning I’m realizing and accepting myself as an imperfect being and that that is really okay. I’m not a failure, I am worthy of love and that I really do have something to offer, or with continued work, I will.
The other MAJOR thing I’ve learned is that I can choose who I want to be, who I am. Just because I was a victim, doesn’t mean I have to continue wearing that jacket. Just because I am bipolar, doesn’t mean I have to let that be who I am. It will never change, but I don’t have to BE that. I can be who I want. I don’t have to be the angry me, the anxious me, the out of control me, the overweight worthless me, the addict…. I am and always will be an addict but I don’t have to wear that jacket either. NOW… I have to figure out who I want that me to be 🙂
I am so very grateful for my family and friends that have loved me all of my life even through all of my ups and downs and bad behaviors. I love you all!!
MAJOR DISCLAIMER: Just because I have learned all these things and am implementing them in my life does NOT mean I will be perfect at it or NOT have bad days. Not only is that not realistic, but 40 years of learned behavior is definitely taking some work, and will always be a work in progress.